by Tommy Gimler
Lonnie Chisenhall, who you might recognize from the phrase, “Who in the fuck is Lonnie Chisenhall?” had a monster game tonight, going 5-for-5 with 3 home runs and 9 RBI as the Cleveland Indians curb stomped the fading Texas Rangers 17-7.
According to Major League Baseball, it’s the first time any player has finished a game with 3 home runs and 9 RBI since the RBI became a statistic in 1920. And according to the four-letter, he is only the fourth big leaguer to have at least five hits, nine RBIs and three homers in a game and the first to do it since Fred Lynn in 1975.
Over his last seven games, the Indians third baseman has been hotter that Kate Upton and Brooklyn Decker grinding their hump holes against each other on the hood of a new Porsche 911. He’s 14 for his last 28 (.500, dumbass), and his .385 batting average this year is the highest among all players with at least 150 at-bats.
More importantly, Cleveland is playing winning baseball again. Since being swept by the Chicago White Sox at the end of May, the Indians have won nine of their last ten, averaging 6.5 runs per game and outscoring their opponents 65-31 over that span.
In a related story, Texas pitcher Scott Baker continues to suck major dick. After allowing nine runs on eleven hits in five innings tonight, Baker’s ERA ballooned to 7.62. Even though he’s appeared in just six games, Baker has allowed at least five runs in three of them, and the Rangers haven’t won any of the games in which he has thrown a pitch this year. In fact, after missing all of 2012 and most of 2013 due to Tommy John surgery, Baker hasn’t won a game since July 23, 2011…
