by Tommy Gimler
Greatest. Game. Ever.
Whether you were huddled around a television of the high-definiton variety with a dozen other North Siders or in your grandma’s basement looking up at the TV in between your searches for stepmom videos on Pornhub, there’s no denying that what sports fans witnessed Wednesday night in Cleveland was nothing short of one the greatest championship games in the history of American professional sports.
A leadoff homer from Dexter Fowler. A strike three that would have ended the bottom of the fifth inning called a ball instead that damn near led to one of the most epic mismanagements of a pitching staff of all time. Old Man Ross hitting a solo jack off of arguably the best reliever in the game. Then Rajai Davis. And then a 17-minute rain delay and extra innings. And then the Cubs score two in the top of the tenth. And then Davis makes it a one-run game in the bottom of the frame. And then Bryant finds a way to throw the ball into Rizzo’s glove despite slipping during the process, finally ending the longest championship drought in professional sports.
I mean, shit. 108 years is a long time, kids. Obviously. But now it’s over. And just to hammer home why Cubs fans have had gastrointestinal issues since last Tuesday and why that will probably continue to be the case until next Tuesday, here is just some of what has happened since the Cubs had last won the World Series in 1908 before finally doing so again last night:
*Four American presidents were not only born but also died in between Cubs titles. And that number was damn near six, as LBJ was born on August 27, 1908 and Jimmy Carter has somehow made it to the ripe old age of 92. I’m telling you, kids. Carter is a goddamn machine. Either that, or the secret to a long and healthy life can simply be found in a bag of peanuts…
*Germany lost World War I and World War II, and half of it lost the Cold War. Basically, Germany is the Chicago Cubs when it comes to wars. Or at least the old Chicago Cubs…
*Wilt Chamberlain was born, fucked 20,000 women and then died…
*Four states were admitted to the Union after the Cubs won it all in 1908: New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska and Hawaii. Hell, the Civil War had been over for just 43 years at that point, and now it’s been history for 151 years. Although, I guess those numbers aren’t necessarily official, as it depends on who you talk to about it. I mean, ask a farmer in South Carolina how long the Civil War has been over and odds are he’ll tell you it isn’t…
*When the Cubs won the World Series in 1908, movies didn’t feature sound yet. In fact, sound wouldn’t become a mainstay in film for damn near another 20 years after the Cubbies won the 1908 Series. And now, most dudes in this country would tell you that they wish silent movies were still a thing every time their wives drag them out to latest piece of shit starring Gerard Butler. Pick an accent and go with it, pal…
*Halley’s Comet, which is the “only known short-period comet that is visible to the naked eye from Earth” and only comes around once every 75-76 years, made an appearance to us earthlings twice. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but that’s also about how often the average man in Wisconsin will get a beej from his wife after he gets married…
*When the Cubs won it all in 1908, horses were still a more common way for people to get around than cars. That is obviously no longer the case in 2016, as horses are more commonly used for glue and parade poops…
*In 1908, the #1 song in America was “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” No bull shit. Today, it’s a song called “Closer” by the Chainsmokers, and it’s pure dog shit…
Wait, there’s more: Indians Fan Drops Mad Cash To Sleep At World Series
You have got to see this shit: