by Tommy Gimler
I mean, why not? After all, we’re told he matured a lot over the winter. Apparently he’s bathing now.
According to Hardball Talk, Chuck Sheen (aka Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn) wants to throw out a ceremonial first pitch at one of the upcoming World Series games that will be played in Cleveland.
As of this writing, the Indians had yet to respond to Sheen’s request, and that’s a damn shame. I mean, imagine what would happen if Sheen cut his hair and walked out of the bullpen while “Wild Thing” blared through the Progressive Field speakers.
Hundreds if not thousands of women in the Greater Cleveland Metropolitan Area would instantly have a fetus in their wombs. The unemployment rate would drop from 7.1 percent to -4. People in wheelchairs would be twerking. American Airlines would stop losing your luggage.
Seriously, that place would be so electric that any Dodgers fans in attendance would all of sudden be speaking English. Virgins would be humping the peanut vendors in the aisles. Steven A. Smith would be making sense for the first time ever.
And it would be that way because Ricky Vaughn throwing out the first pitch at the World Series would be the greatest beginning to a baseball game in the history of the sport. Even if it takes an emergency session of Congress to make it happen, so be it.
Let’s hope this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity finds a way to come to fruition.
In a related story, how fitting is it that Rick Vaughn in real life has the AIDS virus? Maybe it’s just us, but somebody ought to make sure the real-life Mrs. Dorn knows about that…
Wait, there’s more: John Lackey Always Has Been, Still Is And Always Will Be A Gigantic Turd
You have got to see this shit: