by Tommy Gimler
Matthew Berry and Eric Karabell are huge fucking dorks at the four-letter, and they told you to draft these guys before the 2014 MLB season started. But odds are if you still have these turds on your fantasy baseball team, you’re almost as far away from winning a championship as Danica Patrick is from winning a race on American soil.
5. Carlos Gonzalez – OF, Colorado Rockies
Surprise, surprise. Carlos Gonzalez landed on the DL again. But it wasn’t because he had a vagina full of sand this time around. Instead, Gonzalez hasn’t played for the Rockies since June 3 because of a tumor in his left index finger. Yahoo! Sports had Gonzalez listed as the 6th-best player before the season started, but thanks to that DL stint, he currently ranks 311th in most standard scoring leagues. The good news is that CarGo is hoping to return before the All-Star break, so his season isn’t a total loss just yet…
4. Bryce Harper – OF, Washington Nationals
The Bryce is wrong, bitch. Harper missed 59 games in the first half thanks to a torn ligament in his left thumb he suffered while sliding head first into third base on April 25. Before the injury, Harper had just one home run, and he currently ranks 1,089th in most standard scoring leagues on Yahoo! Sports. The good news for Harper owners is that he’s back and should be a top twenty talent for your fake team the rest of the way. Well, as long as he doesn’t get hurt again…
3. Jason Kipnis – 2B, Cleveland Indians
Remember when we were told that Jason Kipnis was going to have a breakout year and be the best second baseman in all of baseball? Yeah, thanks a fucking lot, brah. The pudgy fucker suffered an oblique strain on April 29 and missed 26 games because of it. He’s pretty much been a worthless sack of shit since he’s returned, too. He hasn’t homered since coming off the DL, and he’s still hitting just .244 on the season. That’s good for a ranking of 438th on Yahoo! Sports…
2. Justin Verlander – P, Detroit Tigers
What is Kate Upton doing or not doing to this guy? Verlander’s season got off to a great start, just like we predicted after we heard that Upton was blowing him again. On May 9th, the perennial fantasy stud was 4-2 with a 2.68 ERA and 43 strikeouts in 54 innings pitched. But since then, he’s been very Jeff Suppan-ish. From May 14 to June 16, Verlander gave up at least five earned runs in six of his seven starts. That blows. Yahoo! Sports had him as the 10th-best pitcher before the season started. Now, Randy Wolf has a higher ranking than him, and he’s not even on a Major League roster. Even Marco Estrada, who has been pure dog shit this year, has a ranking better than Verlander’s. The good news for fake GM’s who own Verlander is that he has only given up seven earned runs over his last 19 innings pitched (3.31 ERA)…
1. Prince Fielder – 1B, Texas Rangers
Most fantasy dorks predicted Prince Fielder’s fat ass would have a monster season, and why not? After all, he would be playing 81 games in the little league stadium Rangers fans now call Globe Life Park in Arlington. Instead, baseball’s fattest vegan had season-ending neck surgery after playing just 42 games. And in those games, he was tuuuurible, hitting just .247 with 3 home runs and 16 RBI. Turd city, dorks…