by Tommy Gimler
Ohio was a bipolar state last week as the Reds were amazing again and the Indians were just brutal. Oh, and Aroldis Chapman is a prick…
Stud Team of the Week – Cincinnati Reds (5-2)
This is how good the Cincinnati Reds have been. They have won 22 of their last 26 games and are 19-4 since the All-Star break. On July 6th, the Pittsburgh Pirates were leading the Reds by one game in the NL Central. Since then, the Pirates have played pretty good baseball, going 15-10 over that stretch. Only now they’re 4.5 games out of first place. Or how about the St. Louis Cardinals? On July 6th, they were only 2.5 games behind the Bucs. Since then, they have been hitting the piss out of the ball and also have a 15-10 record, yet they are now seven games out of first place.
Everybody knew the Reds would hit. Joey Votto was hitting .342 with an unreal .465 OBP before he went down. Jay Bruce has 21 bombs and 66 RBI. But an even bigger surprise than the Reds owning baseball’s best record is the success of their pitching staff. Pitching in an oversized little league ballpark, Reds pitching is sporting baseball’s third best ERA, sixth best WHIP, and 12th best BAA. Aroldis Chapman is an asshole, but he’s actually closing out games, Johnny Cueto has 14 wins, and Mat Latos has 122 K’s.
Now, as Cubs and Giants fans will tell you, we’ll have to wait and see how Dusty Baker fucks this one up…
Runner(s) Up: St. Louis Cardinals (5-1), Atlanta Braves (5-2), Chicago White Sox (4-2), Seattle Mariners (4-2), Detroit Tigers (4-2)
DUD Team of the Week – Cleveland Indians (0-6)
If only Cleveland’s unemployment rate was as low as the Indians’ winning percentage last week.
The Tribe haven’t won a game since July 26th. That’s nine losses in a row, and they’re just 6-17 since the All-Star break. During their nine-game skid, opponents have scored 74 runs against the Indians. That’s an average of over 8 per game, and there just isn’t anything funny about that.
Obviously, their pitching has been worse than Total Recall’s opening weekend at the box office. Derek Lowe is Cleveland’s newest welfare case, getting designated for assignment after going 8-10 with a 5.52 ERA and only 41 K’s in 119 innings of work this season. Lowe hadn’t won a game in almost a month, and his last four outings were about as impressive as the deuce I dropped ten minutes ago: 17 1/3 IP, 26 hits, 23 ER, 14 BB, and only 7 K’s. His July ERA was 10.03, and there just isn’t anything funny about that.
Cleveland’s offense has also hit a funk, averaging just over three runs in their last nine games. In fact, for the season, no Indians everyday player is hitting over .300, and there just isn’t anything funny about that.
Runner(s) Up: Chicago Cubs (1-5), Houston Astros (1-5), Colorado Rockies (1-5)
Stud Player of the Week – 1B Albert Pujols, LA Angels of Anaheim
It wasn’t too long ago that people were Albert’s ability. In fact, the four-letter’s David Schoenfield wrote an article on how Pujols was no longer baseball’s best hitter after his horrific April. On June 4th, the Angels’ first baseman was hitting .236 with 8 home runs, 23 runs, and 30 RBI. Two months later, Pujols is hitting .289 with 24 home runs, 62 runs, and 76 RBI.
In fact, since the All-Star break nobody in baseball has more home runs or RBI or has a higher SLG % or OPS. I would say, David Schoenfield, that would make him baseball’s best hitter in that time frame. And his last week was absolutely retarded, or like that lazy-eyed turd Stuart Scott would say, we should “holla at a playa when you see him on the street.” Let’s dissect that for a second. Isn’t that how you get shot? Anyway, last week Pujols went 14 for 33 (.424) with 6 home runs, 9 runs, and 13 RBI.
Runner(s) Up: Adam LaRoche, Matt Holliday, Buster Posey, Mike Trout
DUD Player of the Week – DH Adam Dunn, Chicago White Sox
The South Side Turd has returned to the bottom.
I’m feeling pretty positive this morning, so let’s start with this. Last week, Adam Dunn only struck out six times. That’s a pretty solid week for the Strikeout King of Chicago. But after that, his week was about as much fun as listening to your roommate going to town on some broad in his room, and in the morning, your sister walks out of it. Dunn had just 2 hits in 23 at-bats (.087 average), 0 runs, 0 HR, and 0 RBI.
Runner(s) Up: Mark Trumbo, Ryan Howard, Dan Uggla, Jason Kubel
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
I think the Hurdles would be more interesting if all of the contestants had to wear jeans #Olympics
The DUD’s Response
@LoMoMarlins I wonder how you’d play in jeans. Guess we’ll find out in two years when you’re playing bar league softball.
DUD Asshole of the Week
The Cincinnati Reds’ closer Aroldis Chapman has a goddamn cannon for an arm, often topping 100 MPH with his fastball. One could say is quite the valuable weapon. One could also say that throwing a 101 MPH heater at somebody’s dome is assault with a deadly weapon. And that’s exactly what happened this past weekend when the Reds began a 3-game series with the Pirates. Check this out:
The Reds are up 3-0 with two outs in the ninth and nobody on. If you don’t think that was intentional, send me your email address because my buddy in Nigeria just came into a ton of money and wants to deposit it in your bank account. How Chapman wasn’t suspended after that is anybody’s guess. This is future NL MVP Andrew McCutchen we’re talking about here, not Casey McGehee. If I’m Joey Votto, I’m walking up to the plate with a football helmet on the next time I face the Pirates…
How The DUD’s Over/Under Bets Look:
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN!
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – DAMN!
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – You fucking know it!
On pace for: 2-2
Uncle Bob says: Not a good week for your Angels bet as they blow a couple of leads against the Rangers and drop two of three against the White Sox. But Pujols is hotter than the three hookers who took turns yanking my crank the week after your Aunt Rachel was mauled to death by a mountain lion. You have to figure they’ll make a huge run down the stretch. Enjoy the failures of the Royals and Astros because it’s money in your pockets.