by Tommy Gimler
I talked to God last night. Or it might have been my fiance’s purse dog. I don’t know. I was pretty blitzed. But this is what he said is going to happen in baseball’s second half.
The Pittsburgh Pirates will not win the NL Central.
Sorry, Pirates fans. Unless owner Robert Nutting actually opens his wallet to pay for somebody better than Casey McGehee, you’re done. Only Seattle is getting on base at a worst pace than the Bucs.
And then there’s the pitching. They’ve been like that girl you date for three months who is so perfect that you can’t figure out how she was even single in the first place, but then she runs out of the pills you had no idea she was taking, and pretty soon she’s walking around with self-inflicted bruises.
The last time A.J. Burnett finished with an ERA under 4.00 was 2007. Over the past three seasons, his August ERA is 8.10, and his September ERA is 4.78. Kevin Correia is a second-half piece of shit as well, sporting a 5.38 ERA in July and 6.00 ERA in August over that same time frame. James McDonald’s ERA for July and August is over 4.00. Jeff Karstens? Yeah, who? He’s even worse with a 7.71 August ERA and 6.38 September ERA. Erik Bedard hasn’t won a game in over a month, and his September ERA is 5.25.
The Pirates do have 23 games remaining against the Cubs and Astros, and that’s what will keep them in the NL Central race until the final two weeks of the season. But the Reds have 20 against those same two minor-league ball clubs, and they have the offense that will bail out their lack of pitching.
Great first half, and the under .500 streak stops at 19, but unless help is on the way, she’s leaving with that guy in the Audi, and you’re going home dick-in-hand, just like the last 20 years…
The Los Angeles Dodgers will finish 3rd in the NL West.
Since July 19th, the Dodgers are a major-league worst 5-15, allowing the Giants to move within a 1/2 game of first place while the Diamondbacks are only 4 games out. They’ve been outscored by 40 runs over that time frame. 40 runs!
Even when Rihanna’s ex-boyfriend returns to the lineup tomorrow, runs will still be at a premium because of the lack of talent surrounding him. First baseman James Loney blows. In 243 at-bats, Loney has 2 home runs, just as many as Lyle Overbay and less than Casey McGehee, Jim Thome, and Anthony Rizzo. Rizzo’s been in the league for like six minutes, and he already has twice as many bombs as Loney.
The last time Chris Capuano had at least 9 wins at the All-Star break was 2006 when he actually was an All-Star with a 10-4 record. He finished that season with 11 wins, going 1-8 the rest of the way. Capuano is basically a vagina. At first he’s confusing and tough to get to, but sooner or later if they put in the necessary effort, guys figure it out. Seriously, how long can he perform at this level? Chad Billingsley hasn’t won a game in over a month, and Clayton Kershaw isn’t the same guy he was a year ago when he took home the Cy Young.
The Dodgers will be nothing more than a .500 team when October comes around, and you know what that means. Leave the opposing team’s colors home unless it’s the same color as your bulletproof vest. They’re gonna get feisty…
The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central.
No team with Adam Dunn on its roster has ever made the postseason.
Since June 16th, the Strikeout King of Chicago has K’d 36 times and homered just twice. But despite Dunn’s pure awfulness, the Chicago White Sox continue to win games thanks to the arms of Chris Sale, Jose Quintana, and Jake Peavy. Addison Reed has converted 13 of 14 saves. And the Sox offense continues to score runs, averaging almost 5 per game.
And even though they have won 9 of their last 12 games to build a 3.5 game lead over the Tigers, Detroit will still come out of this bitch victorious in October. Either Peavy or Sale will get injured, leaving a hole bigger than my ex-girlfriend’s in the White Sox pitching staff. And just like her gash, it will be impossible to be satisfactorily filled.
For all those Tigers haters out there, remember this: The Tigers were 45-41 at the break last year, and they finished the season 95-67. Doug Fister’s health is key, and Delmon Young needs to pull his fat melon out of his fat ass and start hitting. I think Dave Dombrowski brings in one more arm, and that puts the Tigers on top of the AL Central…
Stephen Strasburg pitches for the Washington Nationals in September and October, including the World Series.
Even GM Mike Rizzo knows this: If you can win now, then you don’t play for tomorrow.
Well, unless you’re a fucking idiot. I guess we’ll find out if Mike Rizzo is just that come September…