by Tommy Gimler
It’s been 19 years since that turd Jose Mesa couldn’t get three outs in the bottom of the ninth inning in Game 7 for the Tribe, and the last time the Cubs played in a World Series, all professional baseball players were white. Starting tonight, something’s gotta give.
Never before has the Fall Classic featured two teams that have each gone more than 50 years without bringing a World Series title home to their respective cities. The 112th World Series begins in Cleveland tonight and features two teams who have gone a combined 174 years without winning the “whole fucking thing.”
It’s the Cubs and the Indians, boys and girls, and here are five bold predictions for what you’ll see take place over the next week or so:
1. Jason Heyward will get a hit.
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While on the surface that might not seem like too bold of a prediction, you have to take this into consideration: Jason Heyward fucking blows. Remember, this is a guy who was clapping – yes, he was actually excited - after hitting a weak ground ball to the right side of the infield in the NLCS because at least he made contact for once.
Heyward is 0 for his last 13 and just 1 for his last 21, although he did work in a walk in there as well, which is damn near grounds for whoever the opposing pitcher was to go find a pistol and suck on it for a while. It might not be a line drive to the gap in right field, but mark my word, Jason Heyward will find a way for the official scorer to mark 1B in his box score…
2. The Cubs will win at least one game at Wrigley, and when they do, at least one couple will begin fornicating in the bleachers or just outside the men’s room in Section 102.
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Usually thinking about baseball is a great way to put the kibosh on your boner in church, but when condoms were still being made from lamb intestines and actual rubber the last time your beloved team won it all, the game of baseball actually becomes an aphrodisiac.
Now if you’ve ever walked down an alley in the Windy City on St. Patrick’s Day, you know that the beautiful people of Chicago will fuck anywhere and against anything. Just dumped 12 gallons of bacon grease in a receptacle behind Harrigan’s? No worries. They’ll fuck against that thing. And it will be much of the same after the Cubs win a game at the Friendly Confines…
3. Pete Rose will shit himself at least once during Fox’s pregame show.
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Look at this fucking guy. He couldn’t give two shits about anything these days. Diet, hair, hygiene, posture, whether or not somebody snaps a pic of him betting on ponies at 8 a.m. in the Mandalay Bay Sports Book on the same day he’s set to meet with Rob Manfred and tell him how he has curbed his gambling addiction. None of it matters to the all-time hits king.
And if the hummus and spinach dip they’re serving in the green room runs through his intestines faster than a fat kid after his parents park the car at Golden Corral, don’t expect this guy to excuse himself from the set…
4. Ken Rosenthal will have a lengthy interview a female fan in Chicago who will admit that not only was she alive the last time the Cubs played in the World Series, but she also had a two-month affair with Harry Truman.
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And we’ll even go as far to say she’ll reveal that while Truman had an immense hatred of Japs, he was a big-time lover of rim jobs…
5. The Cleveland Indians win the World Series in seven games.
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Call it a hunch, but there is more behind it than that. For starters, Indians manager Terry Francona has never lost a World Series game. Throw in the fact that everybody on this team is a real-life Rube Baker and doing whatever it takes to win a game despite the fact that they were kicked in the balls by a mule once, and I think that just might be exactly what is needed to take down the mighty Cubs…
Wait, there’s more: Charlie Sheen Wants To Throw A First Pitch At The World Series And That Sounds Like Something That Should Happen
You have got to see this shit:
Another MUST WATCH from Mike Leach: The most amazing reason for picking a player to be team captain. Hilarious!!! pic.twitter.com/XApp0tf0Gw
— Aaron Levine (@AaronQ13Fox) October 25, 2016