by Tommy Gimler
We bet if you would have asked Cleveland Indians GM Chris Antonetti five years after he graduated high school if he still wanted to plow the homecoming queen, he would have said yes even though she was now ten pounds shy of a deuce and pouring coffee at the local Perkins. How else would you explain the has-beens this clown is littering the Indians’ Spring Training invite list with this offseason?
I mean, Scott Kazmir? Daisuke Matsuzaka? Jason Giambi? Hahaha. Whose songs are on the cassette tape currently getting play in Antonetti’s Dodge Neon, Fergie? A quick glance at the players Antonetti is inviting to Spring Training will make Indians fans question whether he is somehow trapped in a weird time warp connecting today with 2007 and 2008 or just fucking with them.
Seriously, check out this list. Five or six years ago, Antonetti would have made huge waves by bringing this All-Star crew together, and the media would have labeled them the favorite in the American League. But in 2013, this list will make any fan wonder if their GM is huffing jenkem before he sits down at his desk every morning:
Jason Giambi
2008 stats: .247 average, .502 SLG, 32 HR, 96 RBI
2012 stats: .225 average, .303 SLG, 1 HR, 8 RBI
Scott Kazmir
2007 stats: 34 games started, 206 2/3 IP, 13-9 record, 239 strikeouts, 3.48 ERA, 1.38 WHIP
2012 stats: DNP
Daisuke Matsuzaka
2008 stats: 29 games started, 167 2/3 IP, 18-3 record, 154 strikeouts, 2.90 ERA, 1.32 WHIP
2012 stats: 11 games started, 45 2/3 IP, 1-7 record, 41 strikeouts, 8.28 ERA, 1.71 WHIP
Matt Capps
2007 stats: 76 games, 79 IP, 18 saves, 15 holds, 2.28 ERA, 1.01 WHIP
2012 stats: 30 games, 29.1 IP, 14 saves, 0 holds, 3.68 ERA, 1.09 WHIP
Jeremy Hermida
2007 stats: .296 average, .501 SLG, 18 HR, 63 RBI
2012 stats: .250 average, .375 SLG, 0 HR, 2 RBI
Mark Reynolds
2008 stats: .239 average, .458 SLG, 28 HR, 97 RBI, 87 R
2012 stats: .221 average, .429 SLG, 23 HR, 69 RBI, 65 R
Now, if all of these guys make the team and revert back to their 2007 numbers, the Indians will have a great shot at making the postseason for the first time since 2007. But frankly, we think this list is pretty fucking embarrassing…