by Tommy Gimler
Only in meteorology, Congress, and sports can you be a worthless turd and still earn some pretty good coin. The Cleveland Indians gave John Axford $5 million in the offseason to finish their games in 2014, and I suppose he’s technically doing that. It’s just that he’s finishing their games as one pathetic loser.
There was a time when Axford’s Canadian ass was damn near unhittable, as his streak of 49 consecutive save opportunities converted between 2011 and 2012 is still good for the 4th-longest streak of all-time. His 2011 campaign with Milwaukee was so good that he was ninth in NL Cy Young award voting and was named the Rolaids Relief Man of the Year.
Now, you need two whole rolls of Rolaids pretty much every time this fucker takes the mound.
With the Indians sporting a two-run lead against the White Sox Sunday afternoon, manager Terry Francona called on the “Ax Man” to shut down their division rivals. Instead, we’re pretty sure White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson shit himself when this happened:
Francona once again called upon Axford in the top of the tenth inning of a 0-0 game Monday night against Minnesota, and once again, Axford sent almost 47 Indians fans home unhappy after this happened:
The season might be younger than the girl Justin Bieber fingered last week, but Axford is already 0-3 with a 4.85 ERA. And with the Indians struggling like a fat kid on a skateboard, it’ll be interesting to see just how many games they let him blow before doing what the Brewers did last year: trade him to a division rival and hope he gets called upon every time you face that team…