by Tommy Gimler
The Kansas City Royals damn near found a way to win the World Series last year despite manager Ned Yost’s best efforts to deliver their fans a big dick sandwich in the AL Wild Card Game. But if some Royals fans actually wanted a dick sandwich from Yost, then don’t worry because he has one on deck, and it’s called the 2015 regular season.
Let’s be honest: Trying to accurately predict how many games a team is going to win over a 162-game season is almost as hard as listening to your wife compare your dick to her ex-boyfriend’s. I mean, Buster Olney said the Red Sox and Yankees were both going to be playing postseason baseball last year, and he gets paid to do this shit.
That’s why we’re going to preview every team this year in three sentences or less. Because when it comes down to it, we know just as much as everybody else does this time of year: jack shit…
1. Cleveland Indians
Look, we’re about as excited about T.J. House and Zach McAllister at the back end of this starting rotation as we are the morning after devouring three Beefy 5-Layer Burritos from Taco Bell. But while everybody was creaming their shorts last year over Kansas City’s bullpen, it was actually Cleveland’s pen that finished with a lower ERA and BAA. And the best word to sum up Cleveland’s offense is probably “tits.”
Daily Upper Decker: 87-75 (1st)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 84-78 (2nd)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 84-78 (2nd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 84 wins (1st)
Vegas: 84 1/2 wins (1st)
2. Chicago White Sox
Landing Samardzija, LaRoche, and Robertson this offseason was huge for the South Siders, and the retirement of Adam Dunn means the team will finish this year with 400 less strikeouts. The only question will be whether or not the majority of their fans are out of prison in time for Opening Day…
Daily Upper Decker: 83-79 (2nd)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 85-77 (3rd)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 83-79 (3rd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 78 wins (3rd)
Vegas: 82 1/2 wins (3rd)
3. Detroit Tigers
Scherzer, Verlander, Porcello, Smyly/Price, and Sanchez helped guide the Tigers to 90 wins a year ago. If you think Price, Verlander, Sanchez, Alfredo Simon, and Shane Greene are going to do the same, you might want to think about drinking your water from a different source. And maybe it’s just us, but 52-year-old Joe Nathan looks primed to blow five or six games…in April…
Daily Upper Decker: 82-80 (3rd)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 89-73 (1st)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 87-75 (2nd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 84 wins (2nd)
Vegas: 84 wins (2nd)
4. Kansas City Royals
We really like Yordano Ventura, but the rest of Kansas City’s starting rotation is pure dog shit. And expecting their bullpen to be as locked in as they were a year ago is like expecting your wife to cradle your balls two nights in a row: it’s not going to happen. Unfortunately for Royals fans, there just isn’t enough offensive firepower to make up the lack of pitching and dipshit decisions that are conceived in Ned Yost’s dome…
Daily Upper Decker: 73-89 (4th)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 79-83 (4th)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 78-84 (4th)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 79 wins (4th)
Vegas: 79 1/2 wins (4th)
5. Minnesota Twins
The Twins are going to compete in 2018. Unfortunately, that’s three years from now…
Daily Upper Decker: 66-96 (5th)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 65-97 (5th)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 67-95 (5th)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 75 wins (5th)
Vegas: 71 1/2 wins (5th)
Wait, there’s more: 2015 AL East Preview
You have got to see this shit: